In the early years biggie g made up Los Vegas and earth. There was lowk nothing tho, compelety bull shit mixed with some water. Then big g was talking bout sum lets pay this electricity bill. and so she did. big g segregated the darkness and the wlightness intern calling it day and night like the kid Cudi song. he split it up into 24 hours because that was his favotire number (which she also invented) He was then on about the creation of dry land because we was just sort of swimming around without it. So yeah, trees life and stuff like that are there and he thought it was like pretty sweet. some other stuff happens and then he makes birds and fish and whatnot. Day 5 of naked and pretty chill he makes the land animals like bears and stuff and he also makes pepople I guess. They make man in his own image and tells them to have children which is kind of weird.
Big g opens a map >> creates Eden, somewhere near modern day Ohio. now plants need water so they they can procreate, and so he took the man and placed him in the garden because there were some difficulties walking as a 30 year old person. big g said VERY STERNLY!! "DO NOT EAT FROM THE FUCKING TREE OF WISDOM YOU WILL REALIZE YOURE NAKED" and then the man who will be named was like "ok"
now here's this snake guy, let me tell yuh, this guy thinks he's very slick. he walks up to the girl that I forgot to mention and is all up in her business like: "Did the biggie gee really say that you cant eat from any tree in the Eden?" the girl whos name is eve btw says: "were allowed to eat like all of the fruit in the trees except for the apple one because that one is evil and I'm just such a good person so ill just take my chances with that one." So anyways this snake guy (he's like the devil btw) hes like basically telling her to eat the apple and stuff (its an apple tree) and so she does, and then also gives some to the other person the guy. So guess what, now they know theyre naked and stuff so they invent clothes pretty sweet.
Max says its important to note that the apple tree is a metaphor, and is up to your interperetation. And if it was a real tree that it would probably be a pomegranate.
Biggie G was absolutely pissed off, she heard the little rascals in the garden probably doing something sinful because they're sinners now. he said: "who told you you were naked chat?" eve says"the serpent told me to so I did because I'm gullable."big g is most likely having an aneurysm rn and says "YOU ARE MORE CURSED THAN ROADKILL, I WILL CURSE YOUR FAMILY FOR INFINITE GENERATIONS (until I give your great 49th times granddaughter my child as a personal bullshit move)" And so biggie said to eve that he will create peiriod cramps, and Adam just has to get a job now.(I lowk just found out that adam is the one who named eve??)And so they went east to live their lives as farmers.
Yeah so Adam and eve got busy and had two children to help around the house, Cain was a farmer and the other guy hearded sheep which is kinda tuff. Biggie G walks over to Cain and says: "is all that farming hurting your back? it should because you gave me some wheat as a gift, your brother have be mutton which is considerably better."(Cain proceeds to murder able out of spite.) Big G comes back and says: "Where is the cooler brother?"Cain goes "am I the fucking guardian of my brother? go ask Adam" holy shit, he killed able, we all say in unison, so does big g, who is distraught over the concept of murder. Big g proceeds to banish Cain of the earth. *Cain is now a wanderer of earth, whoever tries to kill him will genuinely get their ps5 stolen from them*
Cain and his wife (that randomly dropped in) hung out one night, "Hey sweet cakes, come kiss me on my hot mouth." Then Enoch was made. Then Cain went into creative mode and built a town and named it Enoch. Apparently Cain's freak genes passed down to Enoch and then a new town was made, pound town. Cain's great-great-great-great-grandson, Lamech, was peak male for his time bro. Like my guy took two wives for himself lowk tuff. Then lamech had two families one with Wife #1 and one with Wife #2. Wife #1 has Jabal and his brother Jubal. Jubal is gay because he apparently is the father of all who plays the flute and lyre? While this was happening Wife #2 had Jubal 2.0 (my guy had one name in mind), Jubal 2.0's sister was Naamah. Back to peak alpha male Lamech, he starts yapping about how he whipped out a gloc on a guy for hitting him. Big G then gets real pissed and impregnates Adam's wife and out comes Seth as a replacement for the guy Lamech shot up. Seth was spawn camped by god and was impregnated with a son named Enosh.
The logistics of this should be conserving due to there only being 3 people on earth, how does Cain have a wife? maybe biggie made her, that would be smart but how many times is biggie gon make people before he doesnt have to anymore.
Adam was really damn old when he was raising Seth, like 130 ts. In fact, Adam lived for 930 years before kicking that damn bucket, and he rasied like a lot of other kids not important to the story. Seth (the guy who is important) had a kid at age 105 where he 'fathered' Enoch, so yeah Enoch has Keenan who has mahalalel who has jared from subway who has Enoch (who isn't enosh). something something fathered later and we get to this guy noah, who fathered shem, ham, and Japheth.
So nows theres a lot of people right, and way too many people are having sex big g says: "I am not staying on earth yall are too funky, in fact, yall not gonna live past 100 i have declared." So yeah, when g saw the rad wickedness of humanity, he had serious regret of making them. So he decided to kill all of the humans, he was so pissed he also decided to kill all the animals too. but not yet.
Alright, i told you about noah, this guy, he was really cool, he was righteous, blameless among his contemoraries. He was also basically g's favorite, now biggie didnt want to kill noah because of how cool he was so he drops by his house and slipped him a note reading; "Dear Noah, It is I, Biggie, I have decided to put an end to all creatures on Earth because they invented jelqing; however, we're chill, make your self a gopher ark, I even brought some wood for you."(there was a schematic for a huge ass boat.) "I am going to flood the Earth, with water, I will establish my Covenant with you, like from halo. Make sure to bring your favorite wife, and 2 of each animal including mosquitoes i swear it better have every animal. ~P.S. take a couple extra birds." so yada yada yada build a boat for treasure and here we are. they enter the boat and for six half-fortnight's, it rained, water.
In the 600th year of Noah's life, water was born. Noah and fam went into big boat due to a little mist that caused a flood. They had all those animals already on the boat with them and apparently the birds that were on the boat had wings? They had to only have one animal of each gender, so there were about seventy-two animals. The flood went on for roughly over a month, the big boat just floated around. Then biggie g (the last airbender) made the flood go over mountains. All the animals not on the boat were obliterated, hence why the dinosaurs are not with us. Oh, every one that wasn't on the boat also died. 150 days later the flood stopped and Noah's family was the only thing left, so all the brothers and sisters got ready for repopulation and got ready for their new challenge that they will face... incest.
Biggie remembered Noah and I guess the animals too. And a massive fart flew across the Earth and all of the water disappeared I guess. Noah sent out one of his many birds to see if there was land yet, so lets just say the noah-bird death counter has risen. Anyways his time on the ark let him speak bird language and so when like the fifth bird came around and it was holding a olive tree (rip) branch, the bird told him in plain English: "The Water on the Earth's surface was gone down, after 601 years of flood."BIGGIE ENTERS: "Come out of the ark, noah, favorite wife, and multiple children and animals. Even though humans are literally the worst people of all time like genuienly suck, I wont kill everybody ever again" and that's why gay people exist or somthing about rainbows I think maybe that's later.
Noah's sons ham hat and het walked out of the ark and they were chill, unlike Noah who became an evil drunk despite g's words. cannan, who was hams son, was then cursed to become a slave by Noah as a epic prank. he actually has another son to named cush who fathers a guy seriously named nimrod. Nimrod is basically king of like 4 kingdoms, babylad, ear, corn, and Caleb in the land of Shinar, including some other places not important. hams other sons also had empires and stuff too I guess. basically noahs sons were all great and became kings.
The Covenant is a powerful, multi-species alien military and religious alliance that serves as the main antagonist in the Halo video game series.
Everybody spoke the same language basically as they moved over to the west (?) everybody was like lets make a city over here in Shinar and we'll all live happily and have a huge tower. it was great like litereally awesome because everybody understood each other they could do anything. but then the disgrunteled bastard biggie g flew down over with his admin commands and make everybody speak a different language so they couldn't work together. kinda dick move.
hem gave birth to Abram vicariously through his great great grand son. and he's basically noah reincarnate, biggie comes over and is all up in abrams face like: "Leave your family and I will make you a freaking sweet home I'll even through in the contempt free guarantee." now abram wasn't an idiot he wasn't gon pass up a chill deal from THE god. now I guess this place was like modern day Egypt for a frame of reference, there was a pretty shitty famin oover there considering the desert. Yeah he took his favorite wife Sairi and his nephew lot (stupid name.) now him and his wife were about to enter Egypt when he says: "your pretty hot so imma have to say your my sister so those Egyptian people dont kill me and steal you." so then Abram stole like all of their animals and his wife was jsut there I guess.
Abram was pimping out his wife and stuff while capturing every animal in egypt. Abram went to his home with lot and they had some beef over land disputes, anyways they go all Scooby Doo and shit and Abram goes left and lot goes right. In those days King Amraphel of Shinar, King Arioch of Ellasar, King Chedorlaomer of Elam, and King Tidal of Goiime waged war against King Bera of Sodom, King Birsha of Gomorrah, King Shinab of Admah, and King Shemeber of Zeboiim, as well as the king of Bela (that is, Zoar). All of these came as allies to the Siddim Valley (that is, the Dead Sea). They were subject to Chedorlaomer for twelve years, but in the thirteenth year they rebelled. In the fourteenth year Chedorlaomer and the kings who were with him came and defeated the Rephaim in Ashteroth-karnaim, the Zuzim in Ham, the Emim in Shaveh-kiriathaim, and the Whorites in the mountains of Seir, as far as El-paran by the wilderness. Then they came back to invade En-mishpat (that is, Kadesh), and they defeated the whole territory of the Amalekites, as well as the Amorites who lived in Hazazon-tamar. Then king of Sodom, the king of Gomorrah, the king of Admah, the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar) went out and lined up for battle in the Siddim Valley against King Chedorlaomer of Elam, King Tidal of Goiim, King Amraphel of Shinar, and King Arioch of Ellasar, four kings against five. Now the Siddim Valley contained many asphalt pits, and as the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, some fell into them, but the rest fled to the mountains. The four kings took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah and all their food and went on. They also took Abram's nephew Lot and his possessions.
there was nothing I could do to make this paragraph any funnier than how it was originally written. except maybe including the whorites.